Last night, I had a nightmare.
It wasn't a typical nightmare; the kind with monsters (I still have those!) or even the kind where you suddenly find yourself in math class, naked, taking a pop quiz you haven't studied for...
My bad dream actually started with a happy future event - when we go on our first trip back to the States. We haven't been back for almost 3 years, now. Getting to see friends and family is truly exciting. Because we're getting close to that day (yay Spring!), the thoughts about our travels, what we'll eat, who we'll see, etc. have been popping up. I'm trying to restrain myself from thinking about it too much - because we'll be here for a few months more! Trying.
But, in my dream, we had arrived back to meet happy, smiling people. Loads of them. Loads. Tons. Wait a minute...this feels like too much!
I walked into the office of our organization to meet gobs of people. Gobs, I say. People popped up from their desks to greet us and say the obligatory, "Hey! So how's it been waaay over there?" For an extroverted me, this is one situation that gets me quite excited! But, then, it turned a little more overwhelming and quite like a very bad dream.
"Oh, hi...(Wait! Her face is familiar, but what is her name?)...you! Girl! How ya doin'?" This happens several times. Peoples faces pop up, but their names are beyond my mental reach. I feel like a horrible friend/worker/human being. If you are a Sanguine, you know exactly what I am talking about. Daily.
And then, some other people say hi and start asking for when I'm free...to take me to the obligatory coffee date to catch up on "life." This is another thing I happen to love. Who doesn't love coffee and talking? I sure do!
But, I begin to realize that the person prying into my schedule is someone who seems to know me but, actually, is a person that I don't remember at all. The pressure. Suddenly I feel cornered and confused and I just want to see my real friends and family.
I am walking and crowds of people are passing me by. I am searching for others who know me well and have finally located some! I walk over...
"Hi! How's it going (enter name that I actually remember)! How are your kids? How's "life"? Man, I missed you! Let's hang out sometime..." Suddenly they look away, distracted by someone else...and have to go. This happens several more times. Rejected. Ouch.
Then I wake up.
In four months, when I arrive on American soil, I hope to not have deja vu. I know I won't. My dreams are not an inevitability. Unless I inherit some of Daniel's gift for dreaming in God's reality, I do not have to mentally "give up" and decide that my dream's feeling of fear and frustration and busyness and loneliness is one big prophetic utterance. Today, I am choosing to hope, and believe, and love, and pray and expect to love others well and be loved by others well.
It may not work out perfectly, but at least we can all try.
And, when it doesn't work out perfectly, I have Jesus. Hey, wait a minute, that's every day! You think that I would have learned to be more secure in His love by now. I'm working on it...to receive His love...love Him back...and then share it with others. I guess others loving me back isn't really apart of the equation that I am in control of.